


A Hot Mess. A Spicy Disaster.

by CapriStar (OneDer)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Attempt at Humor, Comedy, Crack, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, HOORAY, Light-Hearted Bullying, M/M, chatfic, mainly by MeanHoe himself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:48:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21797884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneDer/pseuds/CapriStar
Summary: myCHILD: you know what sucks?Haniee: a vacuum?myCHILD: nopemyCHILD: you.Haniee: wow I can't tell whether that's a dick joke or a genuine insult.myCHILD: a bit of both ^_−☆———In which Jisung's gay, single friends become more gay and less single. Featuring Lee Felix as well-wishing wingman and Bangchan as overworked parental figure.Also Minho's a cyber bully but that's to be expected.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin & Kim Seungmin, Jeongin/the single life, Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Comments: 42
Kudos: 170





	1. Chapter 1- "I'm an Australian not a Genie."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, welcome to my first chatfic. Here are the usernames. Not everyone is introduced in this chapter, but all will appear in due course :D
> 
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix: Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Daddyboy: Kim Seungmin  
> (Because of his introduction of Dandy boy and I think this every time kill me now osjwjsj)  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

  
3:20 am, Millennial Boiis (2)

Haniee: do you think there's a receipt for life? If so, when can I return this bitch?

FEELix: if life is a cup of tea then youre going to have to wait for morning bro.  
FEELix: im yet to have come across a 24hr teacup shop.

Haniee: you're wise beyond your years bro

FEELix: thank  
FEELix: I know that 'Thank' doesn't sound very sincere but I'm being serious here. After that European history test I'm truly regretting all my life decisions

Haniee: Wait European history? 

FEELix: ...yeah?

Haniee: I swear that George Washington was American

FEELix: ...  
FEELix: *softly* fuck

————

8:47 am, all my single ladies (5)

Daddyboy: so I've just consumed my third bowl of ramen and my will to live is rapidly decreasing 

myCHILD: I think I can safely say that Chan's will to live is decreasing even faster

Daddyboy: bitch you wish  
Daddyboy: bitch I wish

Bangaroo: don't bring Gretchen into this

myCHILD: G-Gretchen?

Bangaroo: did I fucking stutter?

Daddyboy: someone woke up on the wrong side of bed today

Bangaroo: bold of you to assume I was ever asleep in the first place

FEELix: naming your will to live. That really is an alltime low

Haniee: is he naming his will to live or is he naming the empty space in which his will to live should be?

Bangaroo: dude  
Bangaroo: I felt that

myCHILD: can we please talk about how Felix and Jisung always enter the chat together? Like how? Are people that synched?

FEELix: he's my soul sister

Haniee: my brother from another mother

FEELix: my-

daddyboy: you can stop now. Please.

Haniee: the first time I've heard Seungmin say 'please' and he's being a sarcastic asshole  
Haniee: what's new

daddyboy: hypocrite much

Bangaroo: fighting is NOT condoned in this chat room. I'm not afraid to kick anyone out seeing as I hate almost all of you 

FEELix: who don't you hate?!?  
FEELix: you know what, I doubt it's me so don't answer that

Bangaroo: good choice

Haniee: On a slightly different note there's an angel in my composing class 

FEELix: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

daddyboy: Tell me you didn't get the Japanese keyboard just for that cursed face 

FEELix: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

daddyboy: *disappointed but not surprised*

Haniee: O H  
Haniee: M Y  
Haniee: G O   
Haniee: G O F

daddyboy: take your time 

Haniee: G O D

FEELix: an abundance of amen

Haniee: THE ANGLE JUST WINKED AT ME（≧∇≦）

Bangaroo: Angle?

myCHILD: here we go again 

Bangaroo: Was he acute angle?

myCHILD: ...

Bangaroo: anyone?

daddyboy: haha. Ha.

FEELix: well I thought it was kind of funny 

Bangaroo: at least YOU appreciate me bro :")

FEELix: ofc bro. We Aussies gotta stick together  
FEELix: like Shrek and Donkey

Haniee: like Shrek and Donkey

FEELix: askdjisbsja SNAP  
FEELix: soul sisters I tell u

daddyboy: I would've thought Glue was the obvious example but each to their own I suppose.

Haniee: but back to my vague panicked gay crisis i   
Haniee: oh shit he's coming towards me whst do i do

myCHILD: panic

daddyboy: yep, panicking usually works for me 

Bangaroo: well that's some questionable advice

FEELix: speak from your heart, bro

Haniee: wow so many words were said and yet absolutely none of them were at all helpful.  
Haniee: fuck me

daddyboy: Bitch you wish

————

The sounds of panic and regret filled the air as Jisung looked up at the boy approaching him. The new kid was a legitimate angel. When he smiled, his eyes closed and wrinkled at the sides. His blonde fringe was flopping over his glasses and his teeth were perfect and straight. (Because who can honestly say that they don't judge people's teeth, accidentally or otherwise). 

"Lee Minho," the boy said smiling softly at Jisung, a mischievous twinkle in his eyes "but you can call me soon."

Jisung chocked on what little air and confidence he had managed to gather before. 

That was so fucking smooth. Right I've got this.

"My name is Han Jisung- but you can call me..." Fuck Jisung's lack of preparation and overall uselessness.

"Yes?" Minho asked, an amused smirk on his lips.

"...Jisung."

Minho only smiled as he walked away.

Angel my ass.

————

10:51 am, Millennial Boiis (2)

Haniee: Angel? Angel my ass

FEELix: how the tables have tabled 

Haniee: a smooth motherfucking snake is what he is.

FEELix: compliments all around I see.

Haniee: stay FAR away from Lee Minho 

FEELix: Lee-   
FEELix: this is so typical

————

  
10:56 am, all my single ladies (5)

Haniee: um hi gays  
Haniee: *guys

myCHILD: I feel that the use of 'um' while texting is unnecessary but carry on 

Haniee: Jesus when did you become so literate

myCHILD: I just sat through a 2 hour lecture regarding sentence openers and the history of quotation marks  
myCHILD: don't test me

FEELix: Google maps is a conspiracy theory

myCHILD: DON'T TEST ME

FEELix: No like seriously I typed in Google Maps and Nothing Came Up

myCHILD: shut your mouth or you'll be like Google maps by the time I'm done with you

daddyboy: aww Jeonginne is so cute when he's threatening people

Haniee: does that even count as a threat?

myCHILD: SHUT

FEELix: wait ill be a conspiracy theory?

myCHILD: I was going for non-existent

Bangaroo: Felix I've said this before but Wiki how isn't a browser  
Bangaroo: you can't get websites like google maps on it

FEELix: i give you my love and you crush it like a soda can compressor. I can't believe you've done this

Haniee: well that was an absolute train-wreck of a conversation 

————

11:03 am, Bros & Hoes (2)

  
MeanHoe: oh my lovely cousin 

FEELix: what do you want?

MeanHoe: other than affection, money and a stable home-life?

FEELix: ... I'm an Australian not a genie

MeanHoe: Han Jisung

FEELix: ...   
FEELix: I'll repeat this: I'm not a genie. Even I, the one true love doctor, would be hard pressed to make a squirrel fall for a snake like you

MeanHoe: I see where you're going with the squirrel thing

FEELix: he's my other half, after all. I would never let someone like YOU get within a MILE of him

MeanHoe: so recently I acquired the season 8 spongebob box set

FEELix: ...  
FEELix: consider it done hyung

————

11:05 am, all my single ladies (5)

  
FEELix: wait everyone  
FEELix: shut up for a sec

daddyboy: no one was texting, telling us to shut up was completely unnecessary 

myCHILD: you've probably started a conversation that never would've happened had you not told us to shut up 

FEELix: well I'm fucking sorry  
FEELix: but back to me, I kind of have someone that you need to meet  
FEELix: well, text-meet

daddyboy: ooh a boyfriend? Is my dumb Australian friend finally getting some action?

FEELix: omg he called me his friend 

Haniee: peak Seungmin-attraction level

Bangaroo: you're cleverly ignoring the 'dumb Australian' bit, I see

FEELix: stop harshing my vibe hyung

myCHILD: that was a disgusting sentence

FEELix: but no, Minnie, he's not my boyfriend   
FEELix: that would be incestuous and weird  
FEELix: also I kind of hate him but he's new and doesn't have any friends bc of his shitty personality so here he is  
FEELix: be nice 

————

11:09 am, Millennial Boiis (2)

FEELix: sorry bro

Haniee: what for?

————

11:09 am, all my single ladies (5)

  
FEELix added MeanHoe to the chat.

————

11:10 am, Millennial Boiis (2)

  
Haniee: ...

Haniee: I can't believe you've done this 

FEELix: on the bright side, I just found a 24 hour teacup shop 

———–

11:10 am, all my single ladies (6)

  
MeanHoe: Felix when I said I wanted friends I didn't mean I wanted to be your friend

FEELix: sujwhsksifeja

daddyboy: ATTACKED

myCHILD: SOMEONE CALL THE MIDWIFE

daddyboy: how's the midwife going to help?

myCHILD: ...  
myCHILD: tell that to the midwife

MeanHoe: what the fuck have I gotten myself into?

Bangaroo: i ask myself that everyday 

FEELix: well everyone this is my lovely cousin Lee Minho.   
FEELix: wait this isn't everyone   
FEELix: where's my boy Jisung at??

MeanHoe: oh Jisung???

  
————

11:16 am, Millennial Boiis (2)

Haniee: ...

FEELix: sorry :/

————

11:16 am, all my single ladies (6)

Haniee: #exposed  
Haniee: Felix we're BREAKING UP

myCHILD: you literally weren't dating

Haniee: well NOW we aren't 

FEELix: bro no :"(

MeanHoe: Jisung! What a lovely and unplanned coincidence to see you here!

daddyboy: sounds fake but ok

Haniee: hey Felix can you point me to that 24hr teacup shop you found?

FEELix: if I can ever find google maps again then 100%


	2. Chapter 2- "Changbin's Hair=The One Constant In My Life"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introductions are made and most people regret most things. Except Minho. Minho regrets nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changbin (although he looks AMAZING) has changed his hair from the angry black fringe that he's rocked since debut and has therefore stolen the one constant in my life. Atleast his height won't change :D
> 
> Anyway good old Bin is introduced now so let the Changlix commence! Here are the names:
> 
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> RubbishBin: Seo Changbin  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix: Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Daddyboy: Kim Seungmin  
> (Because of his introduction of Dandy boy and I think this every time kill me now osjwjsj)  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]
> 
> (Everyone will turn up eventually even if they haven't yet).

2:21 pm, SIRIRACHA (3)

Haniee: guys  
Haniee: guys pls help  
Haniee: I just threw a boomerang but it went behind some trees and it hasn't come back

RubbishBin: ffs

Haniee: I live in constant fear of the day that it will return

Bangaroo: kill me now

Haniee: and end me for good  
Haniee: hey we should write a song about immortal fear lurking at the back of our minds and never letting us reach the holy path and our true states of enlightenment.

RubbishBin: how the Fuck did you get a reasonable idea for a song out of your irrational phobia of boomerangs?

Haniee: irrational?

Bangaroo: idk man he does that sometimes  
Bangaroo: I mean sometimes he pulls this idiotic shit and I think he has a death wish

Haniee: excuse you

Bangaroo: he was the one who began the series of unfortunate events that led to 'Wow', after all

Haniee: I'm right here skdjwj stop saying 'he'

RubbishBin: we don't talk about Wow

Bangaroo: but sometimes his infinitely uninteresting life can make really cool lyrics

Haniee: I'm so interesting wtf stop attacking me

RubbishBin: I have to agree with you there Chan hyung

Haniee: wow am I invisible to you ppl

Bangaroo: what is that annoying drone in the background, Changbinnie?

RubbishBin: good question hyung

Haniee: you're so meannnnn

RubbishBin: I'm mean, you're uninteresting, we all have our downfalls

Bangaroo: except Woojin

Haniee: ugh forget about your lame crush for a sec and focus on me. I'm not uninteresting

Bangaroo: ...

RubbishBin: ...

Haniee: is that a challenge?

RubbishBin: no

Haniee: fine then I'll show you how interesting my life can be  
Haniee: and you show me how kind and lovely you can be

RubbishBin: wait I don't actually care

—————

2:27 pm, all my single ladies (6)

Haniee: guys can you hype me up a bit. Like in 2 secs just be my personal wingmen got it?

Bangaroo: for gods sake

Haniee has added RubbishBin to the chat.

daddyboy: Once Jisung fell, legs open, onto a rock and went to hospital with an inflamed dick

Haniee: ...  
Haniee: I trusted you

RubbishBin: hssidushwhsyxdhjsdsuwhsbshdj

Bangaroo: Changbin.exe broke

RubbishBin: that's so fucking on-brand

Haniee: :"(

myCHILD: Who's @RubbishBin wtf is going on

daddyboy: I can't keep up with all these new people, like I can hardly even remember _JinSong's_ name most of the time and I've known him for years

Haniee: ...who's Jinsong?

daddyboy: ...  
daddyboy: you?

MeanHoe: askdjsbs this is the quality content I was looking for

FEELix: we should all introduce ourselves seeing as at this point, I'm questioning the identities of even those who I know

RubbishBin: same

FEELix: like Chan hyung hasn't left his studio in weeks I can barely remember his face

Bangaroo: you're exaggerating

FEELix: am I?

Bangaroo: moooooving on  
Bangaroo: I'll introduce myself first

MeanHoe: age before beauty

Bangaroo: ...  
Bangaroo: I'm Bang Chan. Im a senior. I'm from Australian. That's basically all there is to me

Haniee: give us a pic

Bangaroo: fine then  
Bangaroo:  
[The tech wiz author can't insert images so just imagine Chan being the beauty that he is sitting in his studio]

FEELix: see he's in his studio

Bangaroo: ... you got me there

MeanHoe: well I suppose I'll grace you all with my presence next  
MeanHoe: I'm Lee Minho, senior. I take dance and composition. I'm rlly good looking so ill gift you all a picture

FEELix: fucking hell

MeanHoe:  
[so there Minho is, looking like a GOD with a rlly bitchy smirk. He knows that we're all into him and he's not afraid to use it.]

Haniee: dksisbajajajs  
Haniee: I

FEELix: you good there?

Haniee: no

MeanHoe: I tend to have that affect on people

RubbishBin: I'm Seo Changbin. I'm a junior and I'm in the composition group 3RACHA with Chan and Jisung  
RubbishBin:  
[insert Changbin, wearing his beanie and looking like he almost always does. What a man.]

FEELix: ...

————

2:41 pm, Millennial boiis (2)

FEELix: fuck

————

2:41 pm, all my single ladies (7)

Bangaroo: the thing about Changbin is he NEVER changes his haircut

Haniee: Changbin's hair= the one constant in my life

Bangaroo: Changbin's height= the one constant in my life

RubbishBin: fuck you

FEELix: yes please ;)

MeanHoe: wow Felix keep your hands to yourself

RubbishBin: omw

Bangaroo: hormonal teens

FEELix: why do I even talk on this chat  
FEELix: I just get attacked constantly  
FEELix: plus you literally don't know where I live

RubbishBin: ...  
RubbishBin: shit

Haniee: I'm going to bleach my brain that conversation was distressing  
Haniee: but I'm Han Jisung. Sophomore in music performance but in senior classes for composition. Also I'm the best in 3RACHA ;D  
Haniee:  
[Here is Jisung being himself again. Looking rlly cute and innocent. Minho's type on paper.]

RubbishBin: I was going to compliment your producing before you started chatting shit

FEELix: I still cry when I remember how amazing my love is. Tears of pride

MeanHoe: cute and talented. As usual my taste in men is superior

Haniee: Jkaxhhsbas *chokes*

FEELix: *pulls a killer Heimlich*

Haniee: *thanks sincerely and cries relieved tears*

daddyboy: can... can this please end?

Haniee: wow look at you lurking in the shadows

daddyboy: I was laughing as it all unfolded but it stopped being funny and became rather pitiful

MeanHoe: daddyboy knows where it's at

FEELix: PLEASE don't call him that it's DISTRESSING  
FEELix: I'm Lee Felix. A dance major and a sophomore like Sungie  
FEELix: also I'm from AUSTRALIA and therefore a natural winner

Bangaroo: whoop whoop

Haniee: bitch is delusional. His name is Yongbok. Felix is his long dead brother who he's yet to finish mourning

FEELix: ffs not this again

RubbishBin: again?

FEELix: again.  
FEELix:  
[Cute pic of Felix with a smoothie and freckles on FULL DISPLAY. Hair is fluffy, cheeks are rosy, all is peaceful in the world.]

myCHILD: Stop catfishing us with pics of Felix, Yongbok. It's ok to be the lesser brother

FEELix: YOUR BEHAVIOUR IS SO UGH

—————

2:53 pm, SIRIRACHA (3)

RubbishBin: he  
RubbishBin: he has Freckles  
RubbishBin: FRecKlEs

Haniee: yes, I too am not blind

RubbishBin: why did you both FAIL TO MENTION THIS IMPORTANT DETAIL

Bangaroo: they're just cute face dots it's not important

RubbishBin: it's noT-  
RubbishBin: no one appreciates beauty here

—————

2:55 pm, all my single ladies (7)

Haniee: hey Felix  
Haniee: Changbin likes your freckles

RubbishBin: YOU

FEELix: am I Felix or Yongbok take ur pick  
FEELix: wait I just read the second bit  
FEELix: thank you! I'm glad someone does :D

Haniee: what u mean "someone" I love them too

FEELix: :))

RubbishBin: cute

myCHILD: kediwjdhdu

MeanHoe: mayhaps I shed a tear

daddyboy: um  
daddyboy: I don't think the gc name works anymore

FEELix: jejdidbw jesus we aren't married yet

MeanHoe: YET

Haniee changed the Group Name to Changlix Sails.

MeanHoe: good one babe

Haniee: babe

RubbishBin: Changlix???/!//

Bangaroo: aww who knew that Changbin would be the panicked gay?

daddyboy: I've known him for 20 minutes and it's pretty glaringly obvious.

MeanHoe: attaboy daddy

daddyboy: my name is Kim Seungmin, fyi. I take vocals and I'm also a sophomore.  
daddyboy: here is me  
[I found this great picture in real life where Seungmin is wearing a mainly brown but also green furry coat and he looks kinda like a zookeeper in the best way possible.]

Haniee: you look like a park ranger

myCHILD: you good there Nature man? Sorry, Nature daddy

Bangaroo: ASKSJSISJ

FEELix: IMAGINE GETTING ROASTED BY JEONGIN

daddyboy: I

myCHILD: sorry hyung it was just too easy  
myCHILD: I'm Yang Jeongin. I'm a first year and I take English language  
myCHILD: I'll take a pic wait a moment

Haniee: he's so squish we're in for a treat

myCHILD:  
[Just Jeongin being his squishy self. Braces and all.]

MeanHoe: he-  
MeanHoe: I feel the sudden urge to take him under my wing and become a plump but kind hearted housewife.

FEELix: kindhearted lmao you wish

Haniee: don't insult my wife like that.

myCHILD: najsjsb JISUNG

FEELix changed the Group Name to Rise of Minsung.

Bangaroo: I hate this fucking family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw this chapter was written before Changbin dyed his hair so sorry for that major plot hole. 
> 
> In my notes i have all the chat group names and usernames in bold but it doesn't transfer when I copy and paste (AND PICTURES). Does anyone know how to make it transfer in my format?
> 
> ALSO pls understand that I'm British and for Glee related reasons decided to use American schooling terms. Sorry if I've messed that up, I honestly have no idea why I didn't just use the English secondary school system.
> 
> Thx for reading! Hope you enjoyed xx pls look out for the next chapter soon :))


	3. Chapter 3- "Love Really is Dead"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bang Chan is busy with whatever it is he does in his spare time whilst everyone else goes to school like they're supposed to. Also Chan doesn't like geese and Minho probably doesn't like most people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, welcome to chapter 3 ;D from here the already bad quality of writing will decline even more so be prepared for the worst.  
> Oh yeah also everyone will finally make an appearance!!
> 
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> 07546, [becomes] Woojin^^: Kim Woojin  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> RubbishBin: Seo Changbin   
> hyunJEANS: Hwang Hyunjin  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix: Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Daddyboy: Kim Seungmin   
> (Because of his introduction of Dandy boy and I think this every time kill me now osjwjsj)  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]

6:48 am, Rise of Minsung (7)

Bangaroo: hey kids

daddyboy: he says, letting his inner old man rIP

Bangaroo: ...  
Bangaroo: what I wanted to say before I was so rudely interrupted was:

myCHILD: ooh Seungmin, Dad's disappointed in you

daddyboy: you say it like I don't know. Believe me when I say that there's no emotion that I'm more accustomed to than parental disappointment 

MeanHoe: well this conversation quickly took a turn for the worse 

Bangaroo: if you guys would just let me FINISH

Haniee: bitch never

Bangaroo: can you please stop talking? Like I would pay you

Haniee: like a sponsored silence

Bangaroo: one might say that

Haniee: I was bomb at those in year 7 I lasted two days

daddyboy: the best two days of my life

MeanHoe: the only difference is that you get all the sponsorship money; charity be damned

myCHILD: good use of a semi colon; top marks

Bangaroo: I actually disagree  
Bangaroo: at this point, Jisung IS a charity case

Haniee: ExSQUEEZE me?

RubbishBin: give to those less fortunate than yourself 

Haniee: you came out of Nowhere to say that I can't-

Bangaroo: wait this is all really off topic I just wanted to say that I'm not going to be at classes today so don't save my seat at lunch

MeanHoe: save my seat   
MeanHoe: what are you guys, 12?

FEELix: on a scale of 1 - 10

Haniee: bRO SJDJWBJDH

MeanHoe: so smooth

FEELix: don't be jealous just because no one wants to save your seat Minho  
FEELix: you're more transparent than a honey jar licked out by Winnie the Pooh themself

MeanHoe: let's pause this debate to question why you used "themself" rather than a gender specific answer

FEELix: well apparently Winnie is a girl and that MESSES WITH MY BRAIN so I'm going down the gender neutral route 

Haniee: whoop whoop  
Haniee: a genderless KWEEN

myCHILD: doesn't 'queen' imply a female?

Haniee: oh young one   
Haniee: a Kween is made not by their outside, but their inside

MeanHoe: I'm a kween because of my insides

Haniee: that's the spirit

MeanHoe: I have some pretty regal testicles on me

RubbishBin: I-

FEELix: ...

Haniee: read at 7:04

  
—————

7:05 am, Haniee and MeanHoe (2)

  
Haniee: hiya  
Haniee: I was wondering if you wanted to sit with us at lunch?  
Haniee: we do have a spare seat now  
Haniee: not that i wouldn't have invited you without the spare seat  
Haniee: I would've   
Haniee: definitely

MeanHoe: thanks Jisung! I'll be looking forward to commandeering your seat for you

Haniee: no proble  
Haniee: problem *  
Haniee: bye

  
—————

  
7:07 am, Millennial Boiis (2)

  
Haniee: I have too much anxieTea 

FEELix: maybe you should try coffee

—————

  
1:17 pm, Rise of Minsung (7)

  
myCHILD: I was helping my history major friend cram for this test

MeanHoe: a terrible idea, really

myCHILD: (basically him talking at me)  
myCHILD: and I mostly tuned him out   
myCHILD: but then he started talking about this Chinese Empress who killed her husband to become ruler

Bangaroo: love really is dead

myCHILD: but she celebrated becoming empress by eating loads of pears   
myCHILD: like HUNDREDS of them  
myCHILD: and died from pear poisoning before she could begin her reign

MeanHoe: she ...  
MeanHoe: I just WHEEZED HOW MANY PEARS MUST ONE EAT

Bangaroo: I'm just imagining her sitting in a sea of pears and I'm regretting every second.

myCHILD: oh yeah why aren't you in classes today hyung?

Bangaroo: that's for me to know and you to never find out.  
Bangaroo: MAYBE because my absence is just a plot device for important events in the story.

MeanHoe: Or MAYBE you're suffering from a bad case of... PEAR POISINING

myCHILD: DONT MAKE THIS A THING

MeanHoe: maybe I will

myCHILD: I have one (1) fear

  
—————

  
Jisung looked around the crowded cafeteria anxiously. It was packed with TV-worthy sights; a heartfelt breakup, a food fight, Jisung Really hoped that Changbin wasn't involved with the rap battle in the corne- Never mind. But the person that he was really looking for was nowhere to be seen.

"Hiya babe."

Okay new development: he was right next to Jisung.

"Minho hyung!"

Swinging quickly to face the new arrival, Jisung watched, wide eyed, as Minho slid into the chair beside him.  
He couldn't help but remember his conversation with Felix a few weeks ago;

"If they sit opposite you, it's a no homo thing. If they sit next to you... that's a whole different matter."

Their thighs were practically touching.

"Yes, Minho hyung is I. Minho hyung is also hungry. What do they serve in this hellhole?"

Just before Jisung could make a stuttering, anxious fool of himself, Felix stumbled elegantly into the seat opposite him.

"Inedible mush. And sometimes these weird green blobs that can partake in all the MRS GREN processes."

"Sounds delicious."

—————

2:05 pm, A squirrel and a kanga walk into a bar... (2)

  
Bangaroo: hi, how are you all doing without me?

Haniee: Day 132 without Dad:

We're short on food. We've resorted to diving for chips beneath the Professors' table and eating them. Jeongin broke his arm trying to fend Minho away from his sandwich. We were attacked by a bee but fought it off using our immense talent and Seungmin's knives. We were forced to deploy anti-cowboy measures. I found a living green blob and it became my new best friend and confidant ever since Felix left to go to the bathroom and never came back.   
Haniee: And you?

Bangaroo: I've decided to retire with immediate effect and set off on jet skis to a nearby uninhabited island. I'll See you at Christmas.

Haniee:  
Haniee: you just

Bangaroo: don't underestimate me

Haniee: never again  
Haniee: but my point remains- please come back, we're a wreck without you

Bangaroo: so you've finally acknowledged it.

  
—————

  
6:11 pm, Unknown (2)

  
07546: Hello Chan?

Bangaroo: new phone who dis

07546: um it's Kim Woojin from your composition class

Bangaroo: Ki  
Bangaroo: oh my god I'm so sorry   
Bangaroo: I thought you were my friends playing a prank I don't usually start conversations like that I swear

07546: don't worry about it :) I'm sorry about texting you out of the blue like this   
07546: I tried to find you at lunch but you weren't there so Felix gave my your number.  
07546: I hope that's ok?

Bangaroo: yes 100%. It's an honour to talk with you  
Bangaroo: shit not an _honour_   
Bangaroo: it's an honour, but it's not like an Honour, you know?

07546: it's an honour but not an Honour  
07546: I couldn't agree more

  
————

6:17 pm, Aussie Aussie Aussie (2)

  
Bangaroo: Lee Felix  
Bangaroo: I will kill you  
Bangaroo: and then myself

FEELix: I was just doing what you weren't brave enough to do ✌︎('ω')✌︎

Bangaroo: it's fine for you  
Bangaroo: there are literally zero consequences on your part  
Bangaroo: nill 

FEELix: other than murder, obviously

Bangaroo: obviously

FEELix: 

"it's just murder, don't be a pussy"

\- Lady Macbeth, Scotland, 1623

Bangaroo: Scotland? Is that all you've got?

FEELix: I'm an Australian-Korean dancer. Scottish geography isn't exactly my forte.

Bangaroo: point taken

FEELix: but srsly  
FEELix: I'm helping you out here  
FEELix: you've been crushing on him for how many years?

Bangaroo: like 3 weeks?

FEELix: ...  
FEELix: oh honey

—————

  
6:20 pm, Unknown (2)

  
07546: I actually texted because I have to ask a favour  
07546: wow that sounds bad we've talked 3 times in the last year and I'm already asking favours

Bangaroo: no don't worry, I'm happy to help  
Bangaroo: unless it involves geese  
Bangaroo: then I'm not the man for the job

—————

6:22 pm, Aussie Aussie Aussie (2)

  
Bangaroo: why am I like this

—————

6:22 pm, Unknown (2)

  
07546: not to worry, the lack of geese in this favour astounds even me

Bangaroo: fantastic 

07546: I'm falling a little behind in composition classes because I've been focusing on vocals and singing recently. You are the best in our class so I was wondering if you could tutor me for a bit?

Bangaroo: is that flattery I sense?

07546: is it flattery if it's true?

Bangaroo: so smooth

07546: but you don't have to I'll understand if you don't have time. 

Bangaroo: believe me, one thing I'm not short on is time  
Bangaroo: it'd be an honour

07546: an Honour or an honour?

Bangaroo: I think we need to drop this

07546: Never  
07546: meet me at Starbucks tomorrow at 5?

Bangaroo: it's a date  
Bangaroo: but not like a Date

07546: it's a date but not a Date

Bangaroo: exactly 

Bangaroo has renamed 07546, Woojin^^.

—————

6:27 pm, Aussie Aussie Aussie (2)

  
Bangaroo: I'll buy you ice cream

FEELix: I take it all went well 

Bangaroo: fantastic 

  
————–

  
3:42 am, Jinnie and Minnie (2)

  
hyunJEANS: do you ever look across the street and see someone who looks a bit like you and think  
hyunJEANS: am I over there?

MeanHoe: no

hyunJEANS: well fine if ur gonna shoot me down like that

MeanHoe: my beauty is unrivalled, no one has quite the same air of royalty around them as yours truly 

hyunJEANS: oh I just assumed it was ur deodorant 

MeanHoe: I've been awake for less than a minute and I already want to be asleep

hyunJEANS: nice to know how much you love me  
hyunJEANS: "that's okay Jinnie! I just wanted you to know how appreciated you are!"  
hyunJEANS: oh thanks Minnie! You're the sweetest, ilysm

MeanHoe: the day has come. You've finally lost it   
MeanHoe: I'm actually surprised it didn't happen sooner considering your rapidly deteriorating mental health and lack of friends

hyunJEANS: I have PlEnTy of friends excuse you

MeanHoe: name one  
MeanHoe: and not me, we're not friends you're just an annoying acquaintance that I can't seem to dispose of

hyunJEANS: well that was hurtful 

MeanHoe: life hurts   
MeanHoe: you forget your calculator? What can I do.

hyunJEANS: not dangle my friend's calculator in front of my face then lift it up whenever I try to grab it

MeanHoe: ok I didn't expect that example to be taken so literally

hyunJEANS: what can I say, I'm a literal kinda guy

MeanHoe: you belong in an insane asylum 

hyunJEANS: not gonna deny it

MeanHoe: insane asylum...  
MeanHoe: I know just the place

————

3:47 am, Rise of Minsung (7)

  
MeanHoe has added hyunJEANS to the chat.

MeanHoe: you'll fit right in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure the pear thing is a true story, so be aware and prePEARed (pun intended).   
> Well hope you enjoyed, see ya soon!


	4. Chapter 4- "You came for light hearted banter with a hint of sexual tension'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 3RACHA discuss sentence starters and Seungmin is gay in the corner. Also Jisung and Felix should not be allowed near functioning humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Have a great NYE and I hope you all had a merry Christmas! Here are the names.
> 
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> Woojin^^: Kim Woojin  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> RubbishBin: Seo Changbin  
> hyunJEANS: Hwang Hyunjin  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix: Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Daddyboy: Kim Seungmin  
> (Because of his introduction of Dandy boy and I think this every time kill me now osjwjsj)  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]

  
6:23 am, Rise of Minsung 

  
daddyboy: I can see you're online, hyunJEANS  
daddyboy: you can't escape the eternal torture that is human interaction   
daddyboy: there is truly nowhere to hide

hyunJEANS: thank you?

myCHILD: the if-in-doubt it's a compliment logic. Bold move.

MeanHoe: wow daddyboy

daddyboy: my name is SEUNGMIN I TELL YOU

MeanHoe: getting all introspective about it are we

myCHILD: I don't know what introspective means but I don't think it's what you think it is

hyunJEANS: I use long words to make my sentence sound more photosynthesis 

MeanHoe: a very insoluble idea

hyunJEANS: either way I should probably introduce myself before I'm called Jeans for the rest of the year like daddyboy over there

daddyboy: don't 

hyunJEANS: don't??

daddyboy: don't you dare say your name   
daddyboy: it's 6 in the morning and I'm running on 2 hours of sleep and an espresso. I can Not retain your name right now.

hyunJEANS: student life amirite 

daddyboy: I wish you weren't 

  
—————

  
7:16 am, SIRIRACHA (3)

  
RubbishBin: hypothetically 

Haniee: I already hate this conservation 

RubbishBin: HYPOTHETICALLY  
RubbishBin: If I felt the need to casually converse with a human in my near vicinity 

Bangaroo: I cannot say that I've ever experienced that sensation 

RubbishBin: how might I begin a conversation?

Bangaroo: well not to be cliched   
Bangaroo: but 'hello' usually works for me

Haniee: yeah it works GREAT if you want to drive them away with your boringness   
Haniee: don't listen to him Binnie

RubbishBin: first: only call me Binnie if you want to be skinned alive 

Haniee: yep, that's Exactly what I was planning to do today  
Haniee: finish a song, eat some beef, get skinned. ALIVE.

RubbishBin: second: I feel like I need a reason to talk to them? Like I can't just say 'hello how's your day'  
RubbishBin: that's stupid 

Haniee: well when you start with Hello it is  
Haniee: we've discussed this 

Bangaroo: I have to say, this whole situation is sounding less hypothetical by the second 

Haniee: don't be mean Chan. Binnie's a shy bean we can't discourage him like this 

RubbishBin: ...  
RubbishBin: skinned. Alive.

Haniee: hehe  
Haniee: gotta blast '^_^

RubbishBin: wow I feel even worse off than when I asked  
RubbishBin: I think I may have lost some brain cells

Bangaroo: yeah that happens sometimes 

——————

1:32 pm, FEELix & RubbishBin (2)

  
FEELix: Hello! how's your day?

——————

  
1:32 pm, SIRIRACHA (3)

  
RubbishBin: well, I take it back  
RubbishBin: 'hello how's your day' is a miraculous conversation starter that I will religiously use for the rest of forever 

Bangaroo: ...  
Bangaroo: remember that little talk we had about cults?

—————

1:33 pm, FEELix & RubbishBin (2)

  
RubbishBin: Hi! Not too bad, but my music professor has been on my arse all week about this new project  
RubbishBin: It's not even funny anymore it's just a reminder of the hole of procrastination that we all live in.

FEELix: HONESTLY SAME like give me a moment Marvin we're here for a good time not a long time

RubbishBin: Dammit Marvin, you need to get down with the Kidz  
RubbishBin: omg I'm sorry I'm dumping all my shitty habit troubles on you that's not what you want to talk about you came for light-hearted banter with a hint of sexual tension

FEELix: Sure, flirting is what I CAME for, but deep soulful connection is what I STAYED for  
FEELix: Tell me about your music project though!

RubbishBin: NO you HONESTLY don't want to know. When I get started on my projects I never stop.

FEELix: Try me

RubbishBin: well  
RubbishBin: I guess you could say I'm expanding my horizons a bit.  
RubbishBin: Like I used to focus on producing rap compositions that suited my voice or the 3RACHA style  
RubbishBin: But this song is actually really vocal heavy  
RubbishBin: and I went really strong on piano, guitar and more mellow sounds which is like  
RubbishBin: I thought this day would never come  
RubbishBin: I want it to be perfect when I hand it in so I'm just hoping that my Prof will be okay with getting it a little late

FEELix: it sounds beautiful. You need to send me this track when you're done

RubbishBin: oops I talked for ages I'm sorry. Have i scared you away? I'm honestly so sorry.

FEELix: no! Don't be sorry for that. It's really amazing that you're so passionate about music like it made me excited just hearing you talk about it 

RubbishBin: if you want me to shut up at any point please just say.

FEELix: Hmm I don't think I'll ever want to do that

RubbishBin: thanks  
RubbishBin: seriously, I was really worried about getting this track right.  
RubbishBin: I don't know why but it feels like some kind of buildup. Like the beginning of an era? Maybe?

FEELix: I guess it kind of is. With you, Minho and Jeans joining the chat, it feels like something is changing...  
FEELix: omg is that Seungminnie?  
FEELix: Sorry Binnie something huge just came up gotta blast  
FEELix: I'll catch you up later :*

RubbishBin: I   
RubbishBin: good bye?

————

  
"Hey Seungmin,"

Seungmin jumped two feet in the air (which was problematic considering the situation). Still with wide eyes and heavy breaths, he turned to his right where a certain Australian freckled jump scarer looked way too pleased with himself. Felix was one of the loudest people he knew, so how the dancer had managed to sneak up on him was beyond him. 

If only Seungmin was this focused in classes.

"What are we looking at?"

Typical Felix. He couldn't spot beauty if it was several feet in front of him. Like right then, for example. That guy was really fucking good looking. If Seungmin had his camera with him, he definitely would be taking those creepy stalker candids to stare at dreamily later.

Thank fuck he didn't.

"We- no, I, am looking at the hot guy over there. This is not a group activity. Go away."

Felix pouted, staring obviously (they were supposed to be stealthy godammit) in the pretty guy's general direction.

"I'm not leaving now. I skedaddled out of my conversation with Changbin for this Tea and- Oh My God..."

Seungmin could pinpoint the exact moment that Felix saw the hot guy. After becoming literally speechless, Seungmin looked over to see the other practically eye fucking the poor guy. Thirsting is not a group activity.  
That's when the boy turned, eyes meeting Seungmin's, and smiled beautifully at him. 

(Seungmin may have heard Felix gasp beside him and felt a little pride).

Seungmin attempted to smile back, but at such short notice and when he hadn't smiled in so long, it was probably more of a grimace.

The guy waved behind him awkwardly and tunnelled through the hoard of people surrounding his annoyingly pretty face. Straight to Seungmin. (More like Gay to Seungmin.)

Someone should start a petition to save Seungmin. He would appreciate it very much.

"Hi! I'm new-"

The perfectly nice and sweet boy in front of him began. Of course, Seungmin, for reasons unknown to even himself, just had to fuck it up.

"Who would've thought it."

He whispered (loudly enough to be heard by the others). The model shot him a slightly surprised smile and tried to continue.

"I recognised you after dance earlier so I just wanted to introduce myself."

Of course, Seungmin's well intentioned brain couldn't have this either. Fuck he needs coffee.

"Don't."

"Don't?"

"Don't you dare say your name. It's way too early to be retaining information when I haven't had my midday coffee yet."

Felix looked very unimpressed.

"Seungmin it's almost two?"

"Exactly."

To Seungmin's surprise (and pleasure, not that he'd admit it) the pretty boy giggled at the exchange.  
This in turn lit Felix up.

"Well I'm Felix and the grumpy pants over there is Seungmin,"

Seungmin huffed at that, probably not helping his cause, he'll admit. Actually, this whole conversation was giving him a strong sense of Déjà vu . Which he will now continue to ignore because he can't think why. The boy giggled again (it really wasn't that funny), but this time he slightly furrowed his brow, as if remembering something or figuring something out.

Seungmin's caffeine deprived mind decided to pin it up to caffeine deprivation.

About to open his mouth, probably to say his own name, the boy was latched onto by none other than Lee Minho.

"Hey my lovely cousin. Daddyboy."

Oh god the hot guy probably thinks he has some daddy kink now. This is going to ruin his first impression. Not that he's really made the best impression up until then; where's the sweet, kind Seungmin that his high school teachers loved so much?

"Hi Minho hyung. Do you two know each other?"

"Yep. We're also busy busy people, places to go, schedules to get from the yogi in reception. So we'll see you two around."

The pretty guy could hardly say 'bye' as Minho whisked him down the corridors. And they never even found out his name.

—————

  
4:17 pm, Rise of Minsung (8)

  
FEELix: calling all queers  
FEELix: anyone know where my lovely Channie hyung is? He owes me ice cream and I'm really feeling the vibes right about now

Bangaroo: sorry Felix, no can do. I have a study date to go on

Haniee: oh my god   
Haniee: is it by any chance with Kim Woojin?!?

Bangaroo: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

myCHILD: Chan hyung is finally getting some action

daddyboy: and here I thought the day would never come 

—————

Chan most certainly hadn't spent any more time styling his hair than usual, thank you very much. And his clothes were just as wrinkled as expected. This whole date that's not a date thing is really stress-free. Haha. Ha.

Chan just wants it to go well is all. It's completely reasonable.

—————

4:42 pm, Millennial Boiis (2)

  
FEELix: Sungie?

Haniee: YoNgbOk?

FEELix: I think we may need to stage an intervention

Haniee: one step ahead of you, bro. Meet me at Starbucks in 10?

FEELix: sprinting to you   
FEELix: is a fake moustache too much?

Haniee: probably but if you have 2 moustaches then sharing is caring

FEELix: I have 7 so that won't be a problem 

Haniee: ...  
Haniee: Why?  
Haniee: actually don't answer that  
Haniee: Felix Stop Typing 

FEELix: fine then  
FEELix: it's probably best that this stays between me and Mrs. Min anyway

Haniee: The lunch lady?

FEELix: She's worth more than her job!

Haniee: okay okay calm down fiery Freddie

FEELix: wait why would you say fiery Freddie?  
FEELix: my name is literally Felix there's still alliteration

Haniee: I don't know ok it felt right at the time  
Haniee: just accept the new you, Freddie, you've upgraded

FEELix: I don't know Who I am anymore  
FEELix: am I Felix? Freddie? YoNgBoK?

Haniee: you've finally accepted that YoNgBoK is PART of you :")

FEELix: I-  
FEELix: ugh

—————

Striding down the avenue way too fast for someone who probably hasn't been to the gym since 8th grade, Jisung hurried towards the scene of the crime. He saw a shady looking man leaning against the back entrance of Starbucks, occasionally looking around but always quick to lower his face. He was sporting a rather luxurious moustache.

"Well, well, well. Look who we have here."

Jisung approached the man who looked up upon his arrival and- Oh Shit that's not Felix.

As Jisung started to back away and pretend that he had been talking to a nearby pigeon, he heard the man shout after him;

"I don't do weed and I never lie!"

Jisung walked slightly faster.

  
———

4:53 pm, Millennial Boiis (2)

Haniee: Felix where tf u at man 

FEELix: I'm inside I got us a table. 

Haniee: I can't believe you abandoned me in my time of need.

FEELix: well I'm sorry but it's fucking freezing and I'm not waiting in the cold for you

Haniee: it's literally hot? You were just complaining that it was too hot for Winter.

FEELix: ...  
FEELix: Nah mate that was Freddie

Haniee: you know what? Fair play. Coming inside now, On my way!   
Haniee: fucking autocorrect  
Haniee: On my way!   
Haniee: O  
Haniee: M

FEELix: you've arrived you can stop now.

Haniee: W

——

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I can see the quality of writing rapidly spiral. Hope you all enjoyed reading this chapter!
> 
> All of the chapters up to now had been written by me a few months ago, so the next one might take some time to be posted as it's still a WIP. Please look out for it :D
> 
> Also, thank you for all the comments on last chapter, I really enjoy reading them xx


	5. Chapter 5- "A Riveting Theory"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Minho is getting kinda stalkerish (should we be worried?), Hyunjin is a sweetheart but also a little behind the story and the Woochan plot line has been almost completely ignored.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone welcome to a fast-paced, Gay but also pivotal point in this ridiculously badly written chat fic. Pls enjoy.
> 
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> Woojin^^: Kim Woojin  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> RubbishBin: Seo Changbin   
> hyunJEANS (becomes hyunjinyoung): Hwang Hyunjin  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix: Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Daddyboy: Kim Seungmin   
> (Because of his introduction of Dandy boy and I think this every time kill me now osjwjsj)  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]

  
5:11pm, Millennial Boiis (2)

  
FEELix: ohoho what have we got here?  
FEELix: Things are heating up in the WooChan fandom  
FEELix: Chan is either laughing or crying but at least he's doing SOMETHING.  
FEELix: get out of the bathroom and come face the adorable gay romcom we live in coward.

————

5:13pm, Bros & Hoes (2)

  
MeanHoe: Jisung has some really strange toilet habits.  
MeanHoe: Why is he fixing his moustache? It looks fine there's literally nothing to fix.  
MeanHoe: WAIT when the FUCK did Jisung grow a moustache?

FEELix: What are you talking about?  
FEELix: the only way you'd know about Jisung's current FAKE moustache would be if you were in the same room as him.  
FEELix: which would be ridiculous and impossible.

MeanHoe: ...  
MeanHoe: Or so you'd think.

FEELix: Minho no

MeanHoe: Minho YES  
MeanHoe: Minho on his way to pick up your BEST  
MeanHoe: friend 

FEELix: oh shit it rhymes so it must be true.

MeanHoe: exactly  
MeanHoe: So the plan is, I join your table and you wingman me

FEELix: and why would I do that?

MeanHoe: Does that Spongebob box set no longer appeal to you?

FEELix: ...  
FEELix: I hate you.

————

Jisung was beginning to think that darker forces were at play. He was just approaching the sink in the bathroom at Starbucks (stalking his friend's study session wasn't as interesting as he had hoped) and fixing his rather lopsided fake moustache when the door to one of the stalls practically flew open. Strutting out with all the grace of a constipated turkey, none other than Lee Minho smoothly swung himself into the sink. And obviously regretted it.

Attempting to keep the grimace off his face, (Minho had not expected to land in a sink) the unexpected arrival threw a charming smile to Jisung.

"Do you come here often?"

Jisung honestly couldn't tell you how to reply to that.

"I've been known to loiter around the urinals, yes."

Jisung began to surreptitiously edge towards the doors while Minho was preoccupied with exiting the sink. The situation was all a bit too sudden for Jisung's panicked mind to deal with. He needed some time (probably a year or two) to hype himself up for a conversation with his soul mate's terrifying but also rather attractive cousin.

"Woojin is actually a good friend of mine. When he told me about his date that's not a date- I quote- I felt the desperate need to stare at him from a few metres away and make him extremely uncomfortable."

Jisung stifled a laugh.

"Oh my God that's such a Scorpio move."

"Don't pin my shitty personality on Scorpioism. I take full credit for being a dick."

Grinning widely, Jisung unconsciously ran a hand through his well-groomed moustache.

"Would you like to come sit with Felix and I? We're trying to make Chan as distressed as possible but also not get beat up later."

Minho smiled. As usual, his masculine charm was doing its job nicely.

"I love a challenge. But only if you tell me the story of the moustache."

Jisung began walking to their table, holding the door open for Minho as he rushed to catch up. 

"I'm afraid that's a question for Fiery Freddie."

———

5:15pm, Millennial Boiis (2)

  
Haniee: Guess who I found in the bathroom and consequently invited to join our broful spy session...

FEELix: if it's Minho then I'm taking the next ship to Iceland  
FEELix: but not before I egg his apartment and hijack the news channel to spoil season 6 of Glee because I know he's not there yet

Haniee: ...  
Haniee: Not the reaction I was hoping for but we can work with this.

————

Chan was hyper aware of the three glares penetrating his back and making him Very Uncomfortable. It was hard to engage in riveting and sufficiently smooth conversation with your long-term crush when someone is having a staring contest with your hoodie.  
Blissfully unaware, Woojin had just headed off to the toilet, leaving Chan to sharply turn around in his stool. The three onlookers were caught off-guard, matching expressions of shock on their faces as they met Chan's eyes, before the scary man in the hoodie laughed rather hysterically, forcing the others to join in. Chan thought he saw a mother cautiously move her child away from their table. Which was honestly a valid precaution.

————

5:23pm, Rise of Minsung (8)

  
Bangaroo: Felix, Jisung? 

Daddyboy: Oh no. Not my two absolute least favourite people since my time in The Womb.

MyCHILD: Seungmin's reign of terror has begun

Haniee: Begun? Oh little one. It never ended.

RubbishBin: That got dark real quick

Haniee: But Yes, Chan? paternal figure, father?

Bangaroo: I'm assuming that you, Felix and the shady man watching reptile videos are only here because of caffeine deprivation and no other ridiculous reason 

Haniee: oh yh the Shady man is actually Minho hyung. He's considering adopting a Lizard but I wanted him to be aware of the dangers they come with so I sent him some videos of lizards eating cats

MyCHILD: there are videos of that?

Haniee: I think he's sufficiently aware now.

Daddyboy: No fucking wonder.

FEELix: but Chan hyung, what other 'ridiculous reasons' might we have? (ᵔᴥᵔ)

Bangaroo: I don't know...  
Bangaroo: Perhaps you came to... spy on my date? Or stare at me VERY distressingly?

FEELix: *splutters in international*  
FEELix: Well that's just insulting.

Haniee: The World doesn't revolve around you, Christopher. We like seasonal lattes too.

Bangaroo: Sorry, I think. When it comes to you two I've grown accustomed to assuming the worst.

MyCHILD: That was shady hyung  
MyCHILD: Don't throw shade, or we'd be taking away Seungmin hyung's only job.

Daddyboy: offending but not necessarily incorrect

Bangaroo: Fair play, Daddyboy 

Daddyboy: ET TU, BRUTE?

Bangaroo: it's just hard to take Jisung's story seriously when he's wearing a fake moustache.

Haniee: incorrect.  
Haniee: This beauty has sprouted from my own persistence and lavish, manly facial hair.

FEELix: Yeah...  
FEELix: same

MeanHoe: same

Bangaroo: Minho you're not wearing one

MeanHoe: Or so I've lead you to believe...

————

5:27pm, Haniee and MeanHoe (2)

  
MeanHoe: Quick pass me the hot pink moustache

————

5:28pm, MeanHoe & Bangaroo (2)

  
MeanHoe: Turn around, Chan.

Bangaroo: ...  
Bangaroo: that moustache is of the devil please remove yourself.

MeanHoe: How about no?

Bangaroo: ...  
Bangaroo: There's a special place for you in Hell

MeanHoe: And it's called the Throne

————

1:57am, Jinnie and Minnie (2)

  
HyunJEANS: Conspiracy Theory Time  
HyunJEANS: I have this sneaking suspicion that the hot guy Felix introduced me to a few days ago (Seunggin? Sungbin?) IS ACTUALLY DADDYBOY

MeanHoe: ...  
MeanHoe: a riveting theory.

————

2:32am, Mother and the Snake (2)

  
MeanHoe: Hyunjin honestly has the mental capacity of a two year old.  
MeanHoe: how many hints does the author have to drop before he understands this horribly predictable storyline?

Woojin^^: My date went great! Thanks for asking.

————

2:46am

HyunJEANS has created a group chat.

HyunJEANS has added MeanHoe.

HyunJEANS has added FEELix.

HyunJEANS has added Haniee.

HyunJEANS has added Daddyboy.

HyunJEANS has named the chat 'Double Rainbow'.

MeanHoe: Double Rainbow?

HyunJEANS: im sorry I speak only in disco 

MeanHoe: reasonable  
MeanHoe: What am I doing here?

HyunJEANS: hmmm i don't know perhaps the fact that we've been friends for over 10 years has something to do with it?

MeanHoe: We were friends?

Haniee: oof sick burn

HyunJEANS: not by choice

Haniee: OOF SICK BURN

FEELix: Why am I here then?

HyunJEANS: in dance you seemed really nice :)

FEELix: awww okay <3

Daddyboy: eww

Haniee: and me? What is my presence solving?

HyunJEANS: oh I think my hand slipped  
HyunJEANS: sorry 

Haniee: bitch am I not talented enough for this chat?

Daddyboy: not sure what talent has to do with anything

MeanHoe: Leave it kiddo this isn't your fight.  
MeanHoe: sorry *Daddy

Daddyboy: SIGH

HyunJEANS: Look I'm sure you're VERY talented   
HyunJEANS: but we've talked like ONCE I'm don't even KNOW you.

Haniee: And it'll STAY that way with your attitude.   
Haniee: You know what? I'll remove myself and save you the trouble.

FEELix: lmao bro chill

Haniee: Good day to you all.

  
Haniee has left the chat.

  
HyunJEANS: That didn't go as I'd hoped.  
HyunJEANS: Does he hate me now?

MeanHoe: yep

FEELix: Don't worry, he'll get over it almost instantly.

Daddyboy: Was I just a mistake too? I won't take it personally it's fine.

MeanHoe: Daddyboy finally admits the mistake that is his existence.

Daddyboy: Does the torture ever end?

HyunJEANS: NO  
HyunJEANS: You're here for... umm... moral support?

Daddyboy: not my strong point but I'll give it a go

HyunJEANS: I appreciate it.

FEELix: what's this chat group for, then? If I didn't know any better I'd say it sounds pretty gay.

HyunJEANS: hahahaha. Ha.  
HyunJEANS: Siri, search how to worm through my first panicked gay crisis.

MeanHoe: ...  
MeanHoe: You're only realising this NOW?

HyunJEANS: I HAVEN'T DATED BEFORE YOU KNOW THAT

FEELix: that's so precious

MeanHoe: BY 9th GRADE YOU STANNED JYP IT WAS OBVIOUS.

HyunJEANS: SO DID YOU I JUST ASSUMED IT WAS STANDARD

MeanHoe: You fool. You fell victim to a classic blunder.  
MeanHoe: Never assume I'm anything except dying inside.

Daddyboy: Other than your love for JYP, what bought on the gay?

HyunJEANS: a week or so ago, I met this super cute guy and spent the whole time in a mild panic attack.

DaddyBoy: Relate

HyunJEANS: But then Minho appeared saying something about parental figures and I felt straight again.

MeanHoe: I seem to have that affect on people.

HyunJEANS: Felix you were there too 

FEELix: sorry man the last week has been a caffeine induced haze I have no memory of this.

FEELix changed HyunJEANS's name to hyunjinyoung.

HyunJEANS: you guys weren't quite as much help as I had fondly imagined.

—————

2:56am, A squirrel and a kanga walk into a bar... (2)

Haniee: HyunJEANS is a bitch and I hate him. We are currently mid-feud so pick your side early and get complimentary pop corn.

Bangaroo: My date was tremendous. It's good to see that you care so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gee that was a mess. Hope everyone liked it :) omg more importantly it's AlmOsT my birthday whoopee.  
> (High key excited or SkZoo what does that MEAN?)  
> C yall soon love reading the comments xx


	6. Chapter 6- "Allow the Gaydar"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Minho's a fool but also a storyteller and Changbin is acting slightly stranger than usual if at all possible. Daddyboy has had Enough and Jisung seems to be like 10 chapters behind. Special mention to Chan who honestly doesn't do much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone long time no see ;) You ready for some repeat gags bc I know I certainly am. U/Ns are as follow:  
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> Woojin^^: Kim Woojin  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> RubbishBin: Seo Changbin   
> hyunjinyoung: Hwang Hyunjin  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix: Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Daddyboy (becomes almondboy): Kim Seungmin   
> (Goodbye Daddy boy you will be missed)  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]

9:24pm, Rise of Minsung (8) 

  
MeanHoe: YANG JEONGIN   
MeanHoe: I demand physical confrontation iMMEDIATELY.

RubbishBin: very tactful conversation starter right there  
RubbishBin: friendly and open ended too 10/10

myCHILD: um Minho hyung? Idk what I've done but I sincerely apologise??

MeanHoe: Oh You snakey piece of foxful goodness  
MeanHoe: Your amateur hour attempt at redemption isn't nearly Beyoncé enough to fully regain my trust

FEELix: Beyoncé was both the best and worst adjective possible for that situation  
FEELix: I applaud you 

MeanHoe: Tank tank

myCHILD: WAIT a moment can we back track here??

Daddyboy: how about no

myCHILD: What did I do wrong? Is it my face?? Is this JEONGdiscrimINation???  
myCHILD: Also youre not funny daddyboy  
myCHILD: and yes im very aware that im not funny either

Daddyboy: ...  
Daddyboy: fuck dis shit I'm out

MeanHoe: we've finally done it  
MeanHoe: we've finally driven Nature man away  
MeanHoe: FIND A NEW BENCH LOSER

RubbishBin: okay geez Minho's not fucking around today

FEELix: ikr I'm like,,, more scared of him than usual

RubbishBin: And here I thought that was impossible

FEELix: merely improbable my young apprentice 

myCHILD: Ok Sweet as this lovely Changlix interaction is, I'm both confused and mortified I would like an audience with Minho before he comes to my house and attacks me without mercy

MeanHoe: Well attacking someone WITH mercy is kinda like making an omelette without cracking eggs  
MeanHoe: ya never really achieve your goal

FEELix: wise words from meanhoe hyung

RubbishBin: wise is an overstatement 

myCHILD: gUYS  
myCHILD: BAcK on tOpiC plS

MeanHoe: *Sigh*

RubbishBin: there's really no need to verbalise your sound effects

MeanHoe: *Long, drawn-out and disappointed but not necessarily surprised sigh*   
MeanHoe: I guess I'll explain your inconsiderate and cruel actions to you before you explode from pure, unadulterated suspensed tension

myCHILD: Normally I would correct/demolish your use of 'suspensed' but today I will allow it

MeanHoe: sO today after lunch I was in the library 

FEELix: hah nERD

MeanHoe: says the gaming addict

FEELix: I like to think that's more geek

MeanHoe: ...  
MeanHoe: And I was looking through the DVD racks because I'm basically illiterate and much dislike conjoined letters

RubbishBin: you might wanna get that checked out 

MeanHoe: But that would involve READING about it and THEN where would I be?

FEELix: man makes a fair point

RubbishBin: ...  
RubbishBin: *sigh*

MeanHoe: And then I see only the greatest cinematic artwork of our time!!

RubbishBin: Titanic?

myCHILD: Hotel for Dogs 100%

FEELix: ya know the one with the big crustacean and the girl with the great hair and the GUY with the great hair like GEEZ

MeanHoe: umm no I don't but it probably wasn't that   
MeanHoe: it was MULAN  
MeanHoe: oBVIOUSLY

RubbishBin: I'll allow it

MeanHoe: so I'm all ready to heavily relate to Mushu again when I see a sticker on the bottom of the case and  
MeanHoe: it's fucking $1.50  
MeanHoe: I'm not even BUYING it I'm going to gIVE IT BACK 

FEELix: dude it's just $1.50 chill

MeanHoe: that's $1.50 that I've worked hard for you ungrateful brat  
MeanHoe: I'm not wasting it on something that I won't get lasting value in goddamit I'm no fool

FEELix: there isn't a foolful bone in your body 

MeanHoe: So I smoothly slide towards the young, male librarian who's practically setting my gaydar on fire bc I'm not above flirting my way to a discount (also he's hella cute)

myCHILD: A discount on $1.50?

MeanHoe: fuck off  
MeanHoe: Allow the gaydar

RubbishBin: That librarian is me

FEELix: That librarian is Jisung.

myCHILD: That librarian is all of us.

FEELix: No like seriously

MeanHoe: Shut up Felix I'm storytelling.

FEELix: *SIGH*

MeanHoe: And I initiate Step 1

RubbishBin: That implies that there are more steps  
RubbishBin: And That is a Problem.

MeanHoe: I had a truly ingenious three-pronged attack planned out you actual poor excuse for a product's waste substance  
MeanHoe: Don't disrespect the prongs

RubbishBin: *sIGH*  
RubbishBin: they truly shimmer like no blade of a knife nor curve of a spoon ever could

MeanHoe: Oui oui baguette 

myCHILD: Well said hyung. Well said.

MeanHoe: Thank I agree.  
MeanHoe: But back to me. Step 1 was initiated...

myCHILD: So like out of interest, when do I come in?

MeanHoe: Give it a damn step Jesus I've only just begun.

myCHILD: Can't we like, video chat then?? This whole process would be 2848838282x faster

FEELix: omg yes yes yes I want to see everyone I've never met Binnie :"(

MeanHoe: For Now, I will hold off my clearly sarcastic and perceptive comment on your heartbreakingly gross nickname and say that I would indeed enjoy Not Typing  
MeanHoe: My illiteracy is playing up again

myCHILD: I don't think that can happen but alright  
myCHILD: rubbishbin hyung what about you??

RubbishBin: Ahhh I'm so sorry guys   
RubbishBin: I'm in a public place rn :(

FEELix: Ooh where are you?  
FEELix: (In the least stalkerish way possible)

RubbishBin: Lol Actually I have to go like right now I'll read the end of this brilliant story later  
RubbishBin: Bye everyone :)

FEELix: Alright? Byyyyyeeeee!!!!!

myCHILD: Bye!

MeanHoe: B.

FEELix: That was suspicious af but perhap it is not my place to comment perhap

myCHILD: Have you ever considered that 'perhap' it's alright to leave an online conversation half way through. And 'perhap' your social life or lack so of is the suspicious one?

FEELix: Yes  
FEELix: Yes I have.

myCHILD: Good to know 

MeanHoe: So STAGE 1  
MeanHoe: I stand near BUT NOT TOO NEAR the librarian and run a hand through my luscious dark locks. I continue wandering around the racks until I reach a point where my face is perfectly illuminated by the sun's rays. There, I loiter, occasionally taking sips of my coffee to seem casual.

FEELix: you're like THE LEAST casual person I know

MeanHoe: I'm Ignoring You.  
MeanHoe: Stage 1 was successful as I caught him stealing glances at me ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

FEELix: I honestly think you've misunderstood the purpose of a three-pronged attack

myCHILD: Have you ever considered that the librarian is looking at the coffee /you weren't allowed to be drinking/ rather than you?

MeanHoe: Not for a second because it is clearly wrong.  
MeanHoe: So STAGE 2  
MeanHoe: This was where Jeongin was supposed to come in

myCHILD: I was never informed of this.

MeanHoe: You didn't have to be  
MeanHoe: This step was simple. I grab his attention, and therefore 100% discount, by sitting next to my average-looking friend and seeming GODLY by comparison.

myCHILD: Wow hyung that's mean :(

MeanHoe: I'm aware.  
MeanHoe: So when I see him looking at me (he wasn't very discreet) I move towards the entrance, where at 4:06...

myCHILD: I was coming in

MeanHoe: YOU were coming in

FEELix: I'm seeing some gaping plot holes in this attack.

MeanHoe: Allow me Yongbok  
MeanHoe: So I WAVE to my clearly inferior friend (JeoNgIn)- expecting him to practically throw himself at me enhancing my godly presence

myCHILD: oh my-  
myCHILD: THAT WAS YOU?

MeanHoe: Only to be COMPLETELY IGNORED  
MeanHoe: NOT A GLANCE SENT MY WAY  
MeanHoe: I GAVE YOU MY LOVE AND YOU BETRAYED ME

myCHILD: hyung ive NEVER met you irl and you dyed your hair since that picture you sent? Also you weren't wearing glasses? 

MeanHoe: you EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF MY NEW FRIEND

FEELix: LMAO Minho hyung honestly can't handle embarrassment what did you do next?

MeanHoe: I left IMMEDIATELY. The librarian was laughing at me I could feel it.

myCHILD: Aww hyung I'm so sorry I'm sure he wasn't laughing (≧∀≦) It's not even that bad it happens constantly 

MeanHoe: To you mere mortals maybe  
MeanHoe: Plus he was cute and now he'll probably chase me out of the library with a pitchfork if I return :"(

Haniee: um hi guys?  
Haniee: and I actually prefer tridents, pitchforks are ineffective. Not enough prongs.

MeanHoe: No one cares what YOU think the LIBRARIAN is the topic of conversation here

FEELix: I told you the librarian IS Jisung

Haniee: hyung I tried talking to you like 10 times but you kept on walking towards different windows and sipping your drink  
Haniee: which was NOT allowed by the way  
Haniee: So I assumed it was someone else

MeanHoe: ...  
MeanHoe: Can I get a discount on Mulan then?

Haniee: hyung it's literally $1.50

MeanHoe: So...?

Haniee: No.

—————

  
1:46 am, Daddyboy & RubbishBin

RubbishBin: Almonds are really the shit, huh?

Daddyboy: Oh absolutely.  
Daddyboy: Nothings brings more joy to my day than almonds.  
Daddyboy: And Wonpil.

RubbishBin: You make a valid point his jawline could cut steel.  
RubbishBin: Ya know I meant to send that almond msg to somewhere else in which the topic was actually relevant but now that I'm here it's not too bad.

Daddyboy: Indeed. We haven't talked much but you seem a decent enough human bean and it seemed inevitable that we'd communicate at some point

RubbishBin: Bean

Daddyboy: Did you read the end of Minho hyung's story in the big gc?

RubbishBin: yeah :") This is what he gets for not putting on his glasses.

Daddyboy: Embarrassment?

RubbishBin: And romcom chic misunderstandings 

Daddyboy: Like every kdrama ever

RubbishBin: Don't insult Female Lead #1 that way!! When Male Lead #1 the bully smashed her glasses she had No Way to recognise Male Lead #2 the kind librarian 

Daddyboy: Who she'll never end up with even though he's much nicer and definitely the better boyf.

RubbishBin: Exactly. Damn we should be travelling Kdrama producers.

Daddyboy: 'Should' is a strong word considering how bad an idea that was.

RubbishBin: You know what, I'll allow that.  
RubbishBin: At some point in the past week my life became a kdrama  
RubbishBin: Actually more of a Thai drama bc we're all actual homosexuals, it's not just queer-baiting like those fuckers in Dream High 2

Daddyboy: Yas Kween   
Daddyboy: You show those hetros

RubbishBin: But rlly! Like Suddenly everyone is in a loving relationship it's like some shitty ao3 text fic.

Daddyboy: Ha. That would be Ridiculous. Haha. Ha.

RubbishBin: yeah...

Daddyboy: I've got a hot model thirsting after me but he's too dumb to figure out my identity even though my name has been mentioned multiple times in each scenario

RubbishBin: Wow Daddyboy you work fast.

Daddyboy: Please no. Not you too. I'm losing my identity to this u/n I can feel it slipping away.

RubbishBin: Are you sure that's not just your sanity?

Daddyboy: ...  
Daddyboy: No. No I am not.

RubbishBin: But you're right. This name kind of IS a part of you. OWN that name Daddy! Embrace the part of you that you've kept locked up all these years! Don't run away from it.

Daddyboy: ...

Daddyboy has changed his Nickname to almondboy.

RubbishBin: I love how you can't see how that name is infinitely worse.

  
—————

4:28 am, Haniee and MeanHoe (2)

  
Haniee: So. I'm the *cute* librarian.

MeanHoe: Yes Jisung. We moved past this like 2 years ago.

Haniee: I will ignore your completely incorrect estimation of time and instead hone in on a keyword.

MeanHoe: There were a lot of words there I'd appreciate it if you just condense them a little.

Haniee: ...  
Haniee: You think I'm cute?

MeanHoe: well OBVIOUSLY I haven't exactly been HIDING IT  
MeanHoe: Don't act all surprised it's literally the first thing I said asdlsksja

Haniee: Ok fine can't a man fish for compliments these days Jesus

MeanHoe: Go earn those compliments with the personality that I see you're still on the search for

Haniee: :( mean   
Haniee: Stop being suck a dick and go ruin someone else's life.

MeanHoe: Honestly can't tell if you meant 'suck' or 'such' 

Haniee: both work

MeanHoe: and ruining someone's life is exactly what I'm about to do

Haniee: Oh No. don't like that.

MeanHoe: Oh believe me. You will.

—————

4:39 am, Rise of Minsung (8)

  
MeanHoe added Woojin^^ to the group chat.

Bangaroo: omg why is my life a Kdrama?

RubbishBin: No it's not hyung you're literally Male Lead #6 you have like one line.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was a ride. I honestly think the 3 prong setup was better than the punchline like who saw that coming since the very first word🙋🏻  
> Either way hopefully the next chapter will be out at some point. (Sorry for ignoring basically everyone) xx


	7. Chapter 7- “And Armadillo”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woochan is abolished, Jeongin is disgusted, a real plot is starting to be set up (?!) and it all sounds like the beginning of a lesbian period drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lads it’s only been what? 10 months? Apologies for that lmao.  
> Well I’m not sure if any of you are the first readers who have found this fic again after so much time but if you are: hello! If you aren’t, welcome! Either way, happy Halloween. Enjoy xxx
> 
> (About the Woojin sitch, obviously I wasn’t there so I can’t say for certain one thing or another but I’m choosing to take him out of this fic (he’s in this chapter for like 5 secs that I wrote prior to the accusations) respect of the person who came forward with these accusations. Even if they weren’t true (again, I cannot say either way) it was handled poorly on his part and I’m not accepting it.)
> 
> Bangaroo: Bang (Christopher) Chan  
> Woojin^^: Kim Woojin  
> MeanHoe: Lee Minho  
> RubbishBin: Seo Changbin  
> hyunjinyoung: Hwang Hyunjin  
> Haniee: Han Jisung  
> FEELix (becomes fixitfelix): Lee (Yongbok) Felix  
> Almondboy: Kim Seungmin  
> myCHILD: Yang Jeongin
> 
> [I don't mean offended to anyone through these nicknames they're just for fun :)]
> 
> ————

8:07 am, Rise of Minsung (9)

Woojin^^: Where am I?

Woojin^^: What is this place?

Woojin^^: Who am I?

RubbishBin: No clue

Woojin^^: Who are YOU?

RubbishBin: ...

RubbishBin: I don't know

Haniee: Damn Changbin you ok?

RubbishBin: Honestly? No.

Haniee: No you've misunderstood.

Haniee: You're supposed to say 'yes' and then we move on with the story.

RubbishBin: Oh I see. Sorry.

Woojin^^: I don't. What's going on?

RubbishBin: you don't SEE?

RubbishBin: You should get that checked out.

Woojin^^: ...

hyunjinyoung: Woojin hyung? What are you doing here?

Haniee: Look who it is.

RubbishBin: We've been over this Jisung. Woojin can’t look. He doesn’t see.

Haniee: omg are you blind?! I'm so sorry I've been really insensitive 

Woojin^^: No wtf?

hyunjinyoung: How would he read the messages if he was blind? Asking for a friend 

Haniee: Braille obviously. Have you never been to school.

hyunjinyoung: Bitch don't shame my education I could math myself out of a hole with my EYES CLOSED.

Haniee: That was tactless. Woojin hyung is Right Here.

Woojin^^: I CAN SEE PERFECTLY FINE

RubbishBin: But can any of us Truly See? 

hyunjinyoung: yep.

Haniee: I think so.

Almondboy: I can see.

Haniee: where did you even cOME FROM?

RubbishBin: Almondboy is forever lurking.

RubbishBin: ya know it's not too bad a name it has this air of danger.

hyunjinyoung: Oh yeah because we all Totally trust RubbishBin hyung's taste in names.

Bangaroo: Minho sidebar pls

— — — — —

8:16 am, Bangaroo & MeanHoe (2)

MeanHoe: Yes my good man? I have arrived at the sidebar

MeanHoe: I’m in a velvety, crimson shirt, nursing an Old Fashioned when a pretty boy sporting a luxurious fur coat approaches me with an empty glass in hand

MeanHoe: He waves down the bartender and flings a ringed finger towards me. Asking - with a kind of confidence that I’ve never had myself- for another round for him and the beauty in red

Bangaroo: I can’t tell if you’re writing YN x vampire fan fiction or reading out an erotic novel

MeanHoe: alright you’ve clearly never read an erotic novel

MeanHoe: But I can fix that

Bangaroo: no need 

Bangaroo: What I was TRYING to do (rather urgently) was get you to kick Woojin off the chat

Bangaroo: he’s a fucking psycho

Bangaroo: He puts the milk in first

MeanHoe: alright while I do see the problem with that

MeanHoe: and there is Definitely a problem with that

MeanHoe: why not just... do it yourself?

Bangaroo: yeah 

Bangaroo: yeah I could do that

Bangaroo: yeah

MeanHoe: yeah?

Bangaroo: yeah.

Bangaroo: where’s the remove button?

— — — — —

8:20 am, Rise of Minsung (9)

FEELix: and THAT my friends is how I demolished the entire contents of my refrigerator 

Almondboy: Oh Felix~ you always just

Almondboy: make me regret ever being born

myCHILD: it’s at times like these that i miss the womb

MeanHoe: I can fix that

myCHILD: no

myCHILD: there are some jobs that should be left to FixItFelix and FixItFelix alone. this is one of them

MeanHoe has changed the username FEELix to fixitfelix.

MeanHoe: He can fix that

fixitfelix: nope as a primary source I can safely say that I can not fix that

fixitfelix: There is no way to return to the womb 

Almondboy: tragic

hyunjinyoung: if you get eaten

Almondboy: as one does 

hyunjinyoung: don’t you arrive in the womb?

Almondboy: ...

Almondboy: Oh Jeans

Haniee: “I could math myself out of a hole with my EYES CLOSED”

Haniee: he said, deceitfully

hyunjinyoung: well im sorry if I spent the entirety of 9th grade biology sobbing into my enchilada

hyunjinyoung: I have regrets too

Bangaroo has removed Woojin^^ from the group chat.

fixitfelix: that was sudden 

Bangaroo: you’re sudden 

fixitfelix: and you’re mean

hyunjinyoung: I’m Jesus

hyunjinyoung: and also sobbing into an enchilada 

MeanHoe: that’s impossible

MeanHoe: for that would suggest that

MeanHoe: I’m your father.

MeanHoe: damn I read the enchilada bit too late it ruined my epiphany 

Haniee: Sounds like the beginning of a lesbian period drama

Almondboy: in absolutely no way does that sound like a lesbian period drama

— — — — —

9:48 am, Aussie Aussie Aussie (2)

fixitfelix: sorry things didn’t work out with Woojin

Bangaroo: it’s alright

Bangaroo: we just weren’t meant to be

Bangaroo: when life gives you lemons, you cannot create anything except lemon juice

fixitfelix: also lemon zest

fixitfelix: and seeds

fixitfelix: and a weapon when thrown hard enough

Bangaroo: he wanted oranges

fixitfelix: you’re an Australian, not a genie

Bangaroo: Exactly !!

Bangaroo: I don’t own any orange sharpies either so really I had no chance.

fixitfelix: you could do better hyung

fixitfelix: in fact there’s a guy in my dance class called Bryan and he’s totally your type.

Bangaroo: Alright no offence to him I’m sure he’s a lovely guy, but no one called Bryan will ever be my type 

fixitfelix: Point taken.

— — — — —

10:02 am, fixitfelix & RubbishBin (2)

fixitfelix: hit

fixitfelix: or

fixitfelix: miss

fixitfelix: I guess they

fixitfelix: never

RubbishBin: What’s the meaning of this?

fixfelix: miss huh?

fixitfelix: I communicate in tiktoks now

fixitfelix: the era of vines is over

RubbishBin: uhh umm

RubbishBin: yes those are all words

— — — — —

10:04 am, SIRIRACHA (3)

RubbishBin: who here speaks in tiktok?

Haniee: What up, I’m Jared, I’m 19, and I never fuckin learned how to read.

Bangaroo: no you’re not?

Bangaroo: You’re Jisung. And you’re... how old are you again?

Haniee: oh my ancient friend why must you be so clueless?

Haniee: also like;;; I can’t remember but at least 13?

RubbishBin: you’re both useless

Haniee: untrue

Haniee: I can make trumpet sounds with my mouth

— — — — —

10:06 am, fixitfelix & RubbishBin (2)

fixitfelix: honestly Changbin you give me 19th century vampire who’s trying to fit in with the Kidz energy 

— — — — —

10:06 am, Millenial Boiis (2)

fixitfelix: do you think a vampire would like my blood?

Haniee: probably I mean beggars can’t be choosers

fixitfelix: but taste wise? 

Haniee: hell yeah you’re fiery Freddie you taste like all the colours of the rainbow ffs

fixitfelix: aww bro <3 you always know what to say

— — — — —

10:08 am, fixitfelix & RubbishBin (2)

RubbishBin: Hah that’s impossible 

RubbishBin: Because I just absolutely fucking love

RubbishBin: garlic

fixitfelix: ah yes~ the ultimate self destructive tendency 

fixitfelix: a garlic loving vampire.

RubbishBin: if I was going to start an alternative rock band, I would 700% call it The Garlic Loving Vampires

fixitfelix: all the instruments would be hollowed out fruit and veg with holes in them

RubbishBin: original

RubbishBin: We’d come out onto stage, fans roaring below, wearing leather and gold with bright red lights illuminating us

RubbishBin: I’d nod once, and we all reach into our guitar cases. Silence dawns as I pull out

fixitfelix: a single pumpkin

RubbishBin: and then go on to play a sad, lonesome rendition of Piano man by Billy Joel

RubbishBin: via pumpkin, of course

fixitfelix: you joke but he’s my IDOL I adore that song

RubbishBin: somehow I expected that 

fixitfelix: Billy Joel, Billy Ocean

fixitfelix: The occasional Billie Eilish

RubbishBin: the billy goats gruff

fixitfelix: also Lana Del Rey and Anne-Marie 

fixitfelix: you’re not funny Changbin I’m trying to assert my views here

RubbishBin: well that’s unfortunate, after all my only goal in life is to become a stand up comedian 

RubbishBin: also I’d like to have the opportunity to say the words ‘sham’ and ‘throttle’ unironically.

fixitfelix: When tglv get into a sexually tense argument over the lead pumpkin player getting too much credit, you can pull it out

fixitfelix: “Has this team been a sham from the start?”

fixitfelix: “Bryan~ I’ll fucking throttle you.”

RubbishBin: with a name like Bryan I damn well will

RubbishBin: also I hate the fact that I could recognise the abbreviation for the garlic loving vamps.

fixitfelix: everyone has it out for Bryan today the poor boy

fixitfelix: oh fudge cake Bin I gtg 

fixitfelix: Jeonginnie is waving at me and this is the first time he’s acknowledged my presence since last May

fixitfelix: see ya love ya

— — — — —

10:17 am, Millenial Boiis (2)

fixitfelix: Binnie loves me, Jeongin loves me. Everoneeeee loves me

Haniee: sounds like the beginning of a lesbian period drama.

fixitfelix: I’m starting to suspect that you’ve never actually watched a lesbian period drama

Haniee: guilty as charged

— — — — —

10:17 am, fixitfelix & RubbishBin (2)

RubbishBin: bye?

— — — — —

Call him dramatic, but sometimes, Yang Jeongin wished that he was a farmer. An Icelandic ram farmer, preferably. He would live at the top of a snowy hill, fields of rams, goats and sheep (he liked to call them shoop) of all size and description fanning out below. He’d spend his free time holed away in his well insulated farmhouse, sipping hot chocolate from one of those mugs with the llama on the handle and complaining about the price of the new wool razor. Because honestly, absolutely anything would be better than this, right?

I mean, it’s  _disgusting_.  For starters, Jisung and Minho had been sitting together in the cafeteria- the fact that they were practically on top of each other was bad enough. Jeongin had approached them with the intention of eating lunch, delicious southern fried chicken wrap in hand. But the closer he got to the table, the less it appealed to him. They were looking at each other all... sappy. It was gooey and heart mushing and made Jeongin physically sick. He heard a snatch of Jisung’s boisterous laughter as Minho animatedly described a rather intense game of hot potato.

Jeongin took his meal deal and steered the fuck away.

To an equally distressing place, apparently. Seungmin, Hyunjin and Felix were all seated at a table together. The latter was staring down at his phone with a concentration the likes of which he had never seen on his hyperactive hyung before. He’d let out the occasional giggle before beginning to type jovially. The other two were far worse, though. Seungmin was staring at his table mate’s lips like a deer in the headlights as Hyunjin (completely ignorant god bless him) continued to rattle on, wonderstruck, about his excitement at meeting Almondboy in the flesh. It seems that he’s finally figured it out.

Jeongin was repulsed. He speed walked away.

Only to be startled out of his internal shoop-centric monologue by a hand on his shoulder and a bright exclamation of “Jeonginnie!”. Damn. His annoying Australian friend must have assumed that his shudder of despair was some sort of acknowledgement.

“Felix hyung. Who were you texting?”

Jeongin has a curse; everything that he says sounds sarcastic. Now this is usually pretty frustrating and has ruined a few friendships in his time- but unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be scaring Felix off of the conversation.

“Binnie hyung! He’s so sweet and funny and talented :( and I’m so gay.”

“How did you just say a sad face?”

“:D”

So, shaking his head with a kind of indisputably single sadness, Jeongin headed to the library. He’d lost his appetite anyway.

— — — — —

4:32 pm, Double Rainbow (4)

hyunjinyoung: is it gay to have a group meet up?

fixitfelix: no?

MeanHoe: orgy wise or nah?

hyunjinyoung: nah Minho

hyunjinyoung: nah

MeanHoe: well then I guess you’re good to go

fixitfelix: Ignoring that minor outburst;;; what are you implying?

hyunjinyoung: perhap... a group chat group meet up?

Almondboy: sounds gay

fixitfelix: full homo zone 

MeanHoe: You may as well be in a RuPaul music video 

fixitfelix added Haniee to the chat.

Haniee: sounds like the beginning of a lesbian period drama

Haniee has left the chat.

MeanHoe: and that about says it all.

hyunjinyoung: so I’ll take that as a yes?

Almondboy: oh fuck yeah

fixitfelix: I want to rant about Harry Styles with y’all 

MeanHoe: if you ever say y’all again I’ll throttle you 

fixitfelix: throttle me?

fixitfelix: eww cousin just eww

— — — — —

4:49 pm, Rise of Minsung (8)

hyunjinyoung: my esteemed friends and colleagues 

myCHILD: wait who’s only a colleague 

myCHILD: who isn’t a friend 

Almondboy: I’m not a friend

Haniee: I’m DEFINITELY not his fucking friend

Bangaroo: I don’t really know what’s going on but I’m not your dad

MeanHoe: I’m not a homosexual 

MeanHoe: But I am a liar

hyunjinyoung: MY ESTEEMED FRIENDS AND COLLEAGUES 

Haniee: well fine if you’re going to be pissy about it

hyunjinyoung: I formally invite you to a glamorous and wonderful day out at The Yellow Pencil tomorrow. I will not be buying drinks but I will be buying your friendship with love and affection.

RubbishBin: sounds gay im in

Almondboy: Yellow Pencil is the hippie cafe down the road from school right? Fancy lighting and plants and whatnot 

MeanHoe: hell yeah and it’s only got the nicest mocha frappe latte hazelnut cream and mini chocolate marshmallows known to man

myCHILD: and armadillo

MeanHoe: of course, and armadillo.

Bangaroo: They’ve probably got the Only mocha frappe latte hazelnut cream and mini chocolate marshmallows known to man and armadillo.

MeanHoe: I wouldn’t be surprised. it’s fucking disgusting 

hyunjinyoung: so we’re all cuming? :D

myCHILD: I don’t like jerking off

Haniee: you’re not funny Jeongin

Haniee: also that sounds like the beginning of a lesbian period drama

fixitfelix: that sounds like the beginning of a lesbian period drama

fixitfelix: jinx

Haniee: jinx

Bangaroo: please end me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes that all happened. I have absolutely no plan for this fic and haven’t started writing the next chapters oops. but it’s on the mind!! I have not forgotten it!! Enjoy your day everyone~

**Author's Note:**

> Hope someone out there liked that sad attempt at literature. Chapter 2 posted at some point between now and 2020. OMG CHRISTMAS AND 2020 ARE SO SOON THIS TREACHEROUS YEAR IS FINALLY ENDING. 
> 
> Please look out for chap. 2! Thanks xx


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